... or whatever else I want to do that involves salt water, mass quantities of cervezas, margaritas and other types of gluttony, sloth and lasciviousness.

If anybody's looking for me over the next several days, here's where I'll be.

posted by Dash | 12:05 PM | |

Here's what my daughter wants for her next Christmas present. Do you think I should get it for her?

posted by Dash | 11:27 AM | |

"...I wasn't drunk in public! I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into public."
-Ron White (talking to the police after being tossed out of a bar)

This article made me think of that line. It would seem that the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission (TABC) is on a mission to stop all drunks in Texas.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas (Reuters) -- Texas has begun sending undercover agents into bars to arrest drinkers for being drunk, a spokeswoman for the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission said Wednesday.

They say they're just trying to stop the drunks before they get out onto the highways and kill somebody.

That's one thing, but I've already heard that they're even going into hotel bars where most of the drinkers are staying in the hotel.

What's next? Are they going to start coming into our houses when we're having parties?

posted by Dash | 10:55 AM | |

For a long time now, the NFL has been using the Wonderlic Test to help determine the relative intelligence of new members. Vince Young reportedly scored a 6 on his first try. Subsequently, he scored a 16.

Supposedly, a score of 20 is equal to an average IQ of 100. The formula for this conversion is (2 x Wonderlic Score) + 60.

Ordinarily I would believe this, but I took this test several years ago and scored a 39. Something's not right here. Vince must have been having a really bad day. I mean, even Vinny Testaverde scored an 18 and Michael Vick eeked out a 20.

The NFL is a little worried that some of their potential stars might not be the sharpest knives in the drawer, so they have asked for some options to giving this test.

Personally I think the format is fine, but maybe the questions just need to be "tweaked" a bit.

Here is a sampling of questions I think would help raise the scores and make the experience more enjoyable for all would-be football stars. After all, we all know football players are inherently smart - they just need to be asked the right questions.

1. If the Ohio State tailback gets $42,000 from a Buckeye booster, but the Escalade he wants is $57,000, he should:

a) Buy a different SUV
b) Take a job he doesn't have to show up for from another booster to cover the difference
c) Ask for more money
d) Transfer to an SEC school with much more generous boosters
(Bonus: if your answer mentioned the word Alabama)

2. LSU scores 46 points against Miami in a bowl game. How many staff members will Larry Coker fire the next week?

3. If Joe Paterno's team loses a close game, how long before his players will be allowed to talk to the media again?

4. Which of these numbers in the following group is the largest?

a) 10 x 14 x 5
b) BR549
c) 1,000 - 275 + 30
d) a+b=c

5. A Tennessee linebacker is 21. The underage girl he sleeps with is 15. While driving home from taking her out clubbing, he is pulled over and declared to be driving with a BAC at thrice the legal limit Coach PhilFulmer then finds out by reading about it in Sports Illustrated.
How many plays against an unranked non-conference team would he have to sit out as a punishment?

6. If ESPN's Gameday crew were to go to Arkansas to cover a game, how much netting would be needed to protect Kirk, Lee and Chris Fowler from objects thrown by Razorback fans?

a) none
b) 200 square feet
c) all Home Depot sells in a three city area
d) Trick question: Gameday would never go to Arkansas

7. Marcus Vick runs a 4.4 and Maurice Clarett runs a 4.48, but the 9mm Glock hidden in Clarett's waistband is heavier. Who has a better chance of out-running the cops and evading arrest?

8. If the world's largest sequoia tree is almost 3,000 years old and the earth's crust is 5 billion years old, how old is Bobby Bowden if he started coaching before either?

9. If Michigan has a 12 point lead with under 6 minutes left in the game, how much time will be left on the clock when the opposing team scores the winning touchdown?

a) 3 minutes
b) 1 minute
c) 35 seconds
d) none, last play of the game and immediately named ESPN Instant Classic

10. Your team's stadium holds 96,000 fans but regularly only sells 32,000 tickets to its home games. How long will it take the team bus to drive back to Coral Gables?

11. If you watch two hours of ESPN pre-game, four hours of post-game and six versions of SportsCenter during which Beano Cook appears 25% of each broadcast, how many times will you want to gouge your eyes out with a tongue depressor?

12. If a Texas A&M fan wastes 60% of each day stewing over not being able to beat Texas, how many hours will he have left each week to not date women?

13. Urban Meyer is observed crying at a press conference. What is thereason?

a) He is so proud of his players for how hard they tried
b) He just got a whiff of Phil Fulmers sweat-drenched shirt
c) He just realized he is gay

14. Why did Bob Stoops just commit suicide?

a) He heard Barry Switzer was just named A.D.
b) new NCAA rule that says he can't recruit in the state of Texas
c) Adrian Peterson just defected to USC
d) His little brother Mike at Arizona just won the national championship

15. If your team has won exactly one BCS Championship Bowl game in the last three years, how many national championships do you have during that same period?

16. How many times during a normal, non-overtime game will Brent Mussburger say the words "Folks" and "Pardner"?

17. On average, a Texas Tech team's quarterback throws seven touchdown passes per game while the defense gives up 52 points per game. How many games will Tech lose before they change quarterbacks?

EXTRA CREDIT: If Jackie Sherrill is brought in to rebuild your program, how many years of NCAA probation will your school receive when he leaves?

Okay. If the potential NFL player can't correctly answer at least 10 of these questions in less than 30 minutes, he should have to go back and finish his last year of college. At that point, he should be allowed to retake the test.

posted by Dash | 10:47 AM | |

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the I-10 in Baton Rouge. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Kathleen Blanco, Ray Nagin, Mitch and Mary Landrieu. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

posted by Dash | 1:04 PM | |

I was wondering what happened to Velociman, then I saw this.

Three women who were vendors told police that someone took two pairs of
leather and metal bondage suspension cuffs, a 28-inch-long leather whip, bath
salts, rainbow pot holders and an electrical stimulation device.

Turn yourself in V-man! Those bath salts will only last so long.

posted by Dash | 3:07 PM | |

Elisson has a great story about living in an apartment. His story relates a time when his holier-than-thou upstairs neighbors were constantly complaining about the loudness of his music.

It reminded me of a few stories from my own experience living in an apartment with paper thin walls and ceilings. I'm sure we all have similar stories.

When I finished college in '82 and went to work in Houston, I moved into an apartment that was known as a "singles" complex. There were very few married couples and no children living in these apartments.

Since I was young and ready to party, I asked the manager where all the fun was. She said all the parties were going on at the pool or in apartments that were adjacent to the pool. Of course I said, "That's where I want to be." So, I moved into a nice place right on the pool.

She was right. There were people partying out by the pool almost every night. Since most people had jobs, the weekday parties usually ended before midnight. But, every single Friday and Saturday night, there was at least one party that went on all through the night and into the next morning. Sometimes I would look out at the pool on a Saturday morning and see people still passed out on the pool furniture. It was amazing.

We had a volleyball net strung across the shallow end of the pool and we had major water volleyball tournaments almost every weekend. Everyone would chip in for a keg or two along with some meat to grill and we always had a big time.

Since I had a decent stereo, I would put my speakers out on my patio and crank it up most of the weekend hours. We got a few complaints from some of the folks who lived within earshot and weren't partying with us, but since the manager was usually there, we pretty much got away with being as loud as we wanted to.

As far as the parties went, I can't even tell you about half of the stuff that went on, but I'm sure you can imagine what a bunch of young single people were doing back in the early '80's. The best thing about it was since the party was always right there, we never had to drive anywhere after all the partying. We could just crawl home if need be.

After about a year of that, one of my next door neighbors moved away and a couple of guys moved in. They seemed nice enough and they were warned about the craziness in the area of their new home, so they didn't complain about the noise. In fact, they would often join in.

We all assumed they were gay. Not just because they lived together, but because of the way they acted toward each other. Apparently they liked each other a lot.

One Saturday morning I was rudely awakened by female screams and a lot of loud slamming noise on the wall between our apartment bedrooms. The screams scared me at first. I thought one of my neighbors was beating the crap out of some poor girl. I was shocked.

About the time I picked up the phone to call the police, I heard loud simultaneous moans from the girl and my neighbor. Then... silence. By then I was fully awake and realized what I had just heard. I laughed it off while wondering to myself. Hmmm... either those screams were coming from a guy with a very high voice or ol' Gerry likes girls after all.

It bothered me all day. I had to know. What was the deal over there? Are these guys really gay? Are they bi? It could happen. Or, have they fooled all of us and they're just putting up a front for some reason.

So, it just so happened that I ran into Bruce, Gerry's roommate a couple of days later. I mustered enough nerve to just come out and say, "Well, I guess Gerry had a real screamer Friday night."

Bruce snickered a little and replied, "Yeah, he's got a new girlfriend and she's kinda... um...loud."

I said, "No offense, but everybody thought you two were... you know... kinda into each other... if you know what I mean."

He laughed and said, "Oh... well, I'm gay, but Gerry's a real puss hound." I almost choked on my drink when he said that. He was a funny guy, that Bruce.

I said, "So, you two aren't a couple after all?" Bruce said, "No way! Gerry and I are just old friends and besides, he's not my type. Gerry likes the split-tails."

Well, I didn't want to find out what Bruce's type was, so I told him I had to go. I guess Bruce was pretty secretive about his relationships because I never saw him with a "date" the whole time I lived near him.

From then on we all looked at Gerry in a different light. He was almost like one of the guys except he lived with a gay guy. He didn't seem to have a problem with it, though. In fact, they continued to be good friends and roommates for as long anybody can remember.

I heard Gerry eventually got married and Bruce was his bridesmaid, I mean best man. Who knows if Bruce ever found a life partner, but apparently he was a great roommate. At least Gerry didn't have to worry about him stealing his dates.

posted by Dash | 10:57 AM | |

This comes from a Catholic elementary school test. The kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. Here are some of their answers.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

H/T to the morning e-mailbag.

posted by Dash | 5:55 AM | |

March to sports fans means March Madness and although the University of Texas is hoping to make it to the final four in the tournament, March in Austin means the South By Southwest Music and Film Festivals.

This week brings the 20th annual SXSW festivals. I know there are hundreds of music festivals across the country and I've been fortunate enough to be able to go to several of them, but this one always seemed to be the big daddy of 'em all.

It goes on for an entire week. Over 1200 acts showcased last year before more than 8000 registrants from all over the world. Pop, jazz, country, blues, reggae, hip hop, electronica - every imaginable style of music, from nearly every continent - is represented each night at over 50 of Austin's premier stages, many within walking distance of one another.

"In its 19-year history, it has grown from being a jolly spring get-together for a few hundred US indie labels and musicians in search of a deal, to an international gathering that is the most important date in our music industry calendar."
-The Guardian, March 25, 2005

Sure, it's a big deal and there is a lot of good music to hear during the week, but what always caught my attention were the names of some of the bands that play here during the week.

Here are just a few.

Gritboys
Young Bleed
K-Rino and The South Park Coalition
Mr. Pookie and Mr. Lucci
Chamillionaire
The Bad Rackets
The Trashies
Zom Zoms
Peelander-Z
Rumble Strips
You Say Party! We Say Die!
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
The Pink Spiders
The Whigs
Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly
Dappled Cities Fly
Hurts To Purr
The Gris Gris
Midnight Shame
The Heavy Blinkers
Lesbians On Ecstasy
Pink Nasty
Genitallica
The Crack Pipes

With names like that, who could stay away?

posted by Dash | 3:12 PM | |

For some reason, this story caught my eye today.

The goats were stolen from the Austin family who said they were more like family members than pets. They recently bought four new pygmy goats to replace the full-size goats the family had for 8 years.

Does it get any lower than that? Really?

"I think they did that because they eat them. A lot of people eat goats, so I think they were just hungry," Jake said.

Come to think of it - has anybody actually seen Zonker since Sunday morning? Hmmmmmmm.

posted by Dash | 10:32 AM | |

I know, I know... it's already Thursday and I'm just now getting to the review of last weekend. I don't feel too bad about it because there have been several reports posted that are much better than anything I could have come up with.

Actually, it started way before the weekend. The lovely Silk and her partner-in-crime Colleen arrived in south central Texas on Wednesday night. Since it was fairly late when they got in and they had been awake for nearly 24 hours, that night was relatively short and quiet. We visited for a while and everyone turned in before midnight.

Thursday, I had to get up early to go to work, but the girls (all five of them) decided to have a day of fun. They went to the Natural Bridge Caverns where you go several hundred feet underground and marvel at what millions of years of nature have created.

Then they went to the Natural Bridge Wildlife Ranch where they fed all sorts of exotic animals through the car window as they drove through the ranch. The funniest story was when a rather aggressive zebra blew snot through the window into Sweet One's mouth. That had to be a bad experience. If I were her, I would have been drinking mass quantities of alcohol to kill the pain. I guess that's not really an option for a 13 year old, though.

On Friday, the rest of the crew came in. Shoe picked up Zonker at the airport and headed over to the casa. Right behind them was Sadie being picked up by Christina. They all got to the house by mid-afternoon. There they had a few drinks and visited while waiting for me to get home from work, and Sweet One to get home from her basketball game.

After everyone made it home, Shoe had to pack the boys and head to her momma's in Houston. The rest of us went to eat at the Gristmill in Gruene. The weather was so nice, we ate outside on the deck overlooking the river. Afterwards we went back to the house for some after-dinner margaritas and a little more R&R.

Saturday morning I got up early to take Sweet One to her basketball tournament. Her first game was at 10 AM, but it was at a school on the other side of the county, so she had to get an early start. Wee One and I tended to the basketball while Christina and the gang took a tour of the Guadalupe River and then down to San Antonio to see the historic Alamo.

Once everyone reconvened at the home base, we commenced to cooking supper. It was a team effort where everyone jumped in and helped. Of course, Christina was the crew chief, but she was as laid back as I've ever seen her. I think she was just really enjoying the company. She even decided to start a fire in the pit on the back patio so we could sit around and enjoy the night air before supper time. Susan showed up at about 7 and it was time to eat.

After we were all as full as ticks, we kind of hung out in the house and out on the deck with a few more drinks and smokes (Zonker brought me some primo cigars for my birthday).

Sunday morning Christina got up early to get Silk and Colleen to the airport in time to fly to New York. I took Zonker to catch a mid-morning flight back home. Then I headed up to the office for a half-day of catch-up. At about noon, Christina took Sadie to the airport for her flight back home.

Overall, it was a great weekend. We got to talk to some other bloggers on the phone and of course we ate and drank a lot. I'm looking forward to seeing a lot of folks in Austin next month.

Thanks to everyone who took time out of their busy schedules to come down and party with us. I hope you had a comfortable and enjoyable stay and I hope you'll come back soon.

posted by Dash | 5:55 AM | |

I don't usually pimp sites, but this is gonna be an exception.

If you're into grillin' and smokin' like I am, you gotta check out The BBQ General.

These guys obviously know what they're talking about when it comes to cooking outdoors and I have the sneaking suspicion that anything they cook is going to be excellent.

The pictures they post on this site are enough to make anybody drool in anticipation. Go check 'em out. They're the real deal.

Hat tip goes to Mr. Elisson who is a great cook in his own right.

posted by Dash | 10:52 AM | |

Tough Love vs. Spanking (a psychological conundrum)

The other day, I was talking to one of my friends about the fine art of discipline. When I was a kid, my mom would reach her boiling point and just start swinging. When we got too big for the old hand swat, we graduated to the hairbrush and finally to the broomstick. If we were out of reach, she would just throw the nearest object at us.

Now that I have kids, I wanted to know what other methods work. My friend's response was this.

Nowadays, most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of those "melt-down moments."

One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. They usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.


























Thanks to my bird huntin' buddy Paul for the pic.

posted by Dash | 5:56 AM | |

Here's what the girls have been doing today while I've been slaving away at work.

First it was a little spelunking to commune with the stalagtites and stalagmites, then off to the Wildlife Ranch for a little fun with the animals.

It's not every day you have a zebra blow snot through your car window and into your mouth. I suggest a nice tequila mouthwash.

Yuck.

posted by Dash | 3:14 PM | |